Most of the stuff I say is true because I saw it in a dream and I don't have the presence of mind to make up lies when I'm asleep.
The plumber was digging around in the pipes and he saw something shine in the muck and it turned out to be the soul of the last tenant. He gave it to me and I said I wonder how we can return it and he shrugged and said he found stuff like that all the time. You'd be amazed what people lose, he said.
I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts, but they need constant attention and one day I decided I had better things to do.
She kept asking if the stories were true. I kept asking her if it mattered. We finally gave up. She was looking for a place to stand, and I wanted a place to fly.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Public Service Announcement
Tonight I was viciously attacked by one of the most despicable creatures on god's green earth. No, it wasn't an insurance salesman. It wasn't even a middle school teacher. This vile little abomination is none other that most horrid of insects, the Cockroach! I want him dead. I want them all dead! I wish plagues on their houses and suffering to their kin! Death, DEATH to roaches everywhere!!!
Do I feel this way about all bugs, you ask? No. I do not. Take for instance, the common beetle. It is a large, black bug similar in shape and size to a cockroach. But i don't have any beef with beetles. Why you ask? Because beetles know their place. Beetles stay outside. You will see beetles climbing in the grass. You will see beetles digging around in the dirt. You will see a beetle disappear around a fence post. You will NOT open your silverware drawer and see a beetle crawling across your forks. You will NOT hear strange noises coming from under the sink and open the door only to discover two beetles in the midst of copulation while another angry beetle looks on. You will NOT be sitting at the piano and feel what you believe to be the cat's tail brushing your leg, look down and see a beetle crawling up your leg. These things will not happen, because beetles respect me as a superior life form! Beetles are not arrogant little bastards that think they have the right to be in all places at all times! Beetles do not use witch-craft to make themselves super flat so that they might hang out in filthy places, such as behind the fridge or under dumpsters! Beetles do not live in city sewers with thousands of their immediate family members and come out at dusk to cover 3 square feet of the sidewalk around the sewer cap for the sheer joy of giving unsuspecting pedestrians the almighty heebie-jeebies! Beetles did not, through some evolutionary injustice, develop wings and try to attack me through the window as I innocently typed at the computer!!
As a result, beetles may live with the secure knowledge that i will not squash them, spray them, pound them, curse them, or set the cat on them.
As for the rest of you... consider yourselves warned.
Do I feel this way about all bugs, you ask? No. I do not. Take for instance, the common beetle. It is a large, black bug similar in shape and size to a cockroach. But i don't have any beef with beetles. Why you ask? Because beetles know their place. Beetles stay outside. You will see beetles climbing in the grass. You will see beetles digging around in the dirt. You will see a beetle disappear around a fence post. You will NOT open your silverware drawer and see a beetle crawling across your forks. You will NOT hear strange noises coming from under the sink and open the door only to discover two beetles in the midst of copulation while another angry beetle looks on. You will NOT be sitting at the piano and feel what you believe to be the cat's tail brushing your leg, look down and see a beetle crawling up your leg. These things will not happen, because beetles respect me as a superior life form! Beetles are not arrogant little bastards that think they have the right to be in all places at all times! Beetles do not use witch-craft to make themselves super flat so that they might hang out in filthy places, such as behind the fridge or under dumpsters! Beetles do not live in city sewers with thousands of their immediate family members and come out at dusk to cover 3 square feet of the sidewalk around the sewer cap for the sheer joy of giving unsuspecting pedestrians the almighty heebie-jeebies! Beetles did not, through some evolutionary injustice, develop wings and try to attack me through the window as I innocently typed at the computer!!
As a result, beetles may live with the secure knowledge that i will not squash them, spray them, pound them, curse them, or set the cat on them.
As for the rest of you... consider yourselves warned.
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