Tonight I was viciously attacked by one of the most despicable creatures on god's green earth. No, it wasn't an insurance salesman. It wasn't even a middle school teacher. This vile little abomination is none other that most horrid of insects, the Cockroach! I want him dead. I want them all dead! I wish plagues on their houses and suffering to their kin! Death, DEATH to roaches everywhere!!!
Do I feel this way about all bugs, you ask? No. I do not. Take for instance, the common beetle. It is a large, black bug similar in shape and size to a cockroach. But i don't have any beef with beetles. Why you ask? Because beetles know their place. Beetles stay outside. You will see beetles climbing in the grass. You will see beetles digging around in the dirt. You will see a beetle disappear around a fence post. You will NOT open your silverware drawer and see a beetle crawling across your forks. You will NOT hear strange noises coming from under the sink and open the door only to discover two beetles in the midst of copulation while another angry beetle looks on. You will NOT be sitting at the piano and feel what you believe to be the cat's tail brushing your leg, look down and see a beetle crawling up your leg. These things will not happen, because beetles respect me as a superior life form! Beetles are not arrogant little bastards that think they have the right to be in all places at all times! Beetles do not use witch-craft to make themselves super flat so that they might hang out in filthy places, such as behind the fridge or under dumpsters! Beetles do not live in city sewers with thousands of their immediate family members and come out at dusk to cover 3 square feet of the sidewalk around the sewer cap for the sheer joy of giving unsuspecting pedestrians the almighty heebie-jeebies! Beetles did not, through some evolutionary injustice, develop wings and try to attack me through the window as I innocently typed at the computer!!
As a result, beetles may live with the secure knowledge that i will not squash them, spray them, pound them, curse them, or set the cat on them.
As for the rest of you... consider yourselves warned.
6 comments:
What? No one commented on this one? Hilarious! I love your sense of humor!
awwwww... thanks matt! :)
i'm not personally very satisfied with it, so i'm not surprised no one commented. i go through phases with blogs where i'll hide them for a while, then let them out, then get critical of myself and hide them again... i'll prob hide this one at some point.
Sometimes I'll "read" something, be it newspaper article, blog post, magazine article, and not really take it in. Then later I'll go back and spend the time I need to really comprehend it.
This post is filled with humor, all right, but I think it's even more filled with horror. With every angry comment about what beetles do not do, I could see the roaches hanging their heads just a little lower each time in guilty shame. Yikes I can see them around that sewer cover! The disgusting horror!!!
exxaaaaactly. i think that's what it is. i was trying to be funny, but i was really just plain grossed out. so i couldn't pull in enough humor to make it a decent post. sorry guys.
It's a great post! It's dark comedy. Like an American Werewolf in London. Kinda.
I love this!! Been very behind on my reading and only now read it, and find your comments about my cockroach infested bus all the funnier! This rant is a great mix of humor and vileness. Oh the cockroach stories I could share!!! Did I ever tell you I discovered a hoard of roaches living and breeding in my office phone?!? DisGUSTing.
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